I Have A Problem

...that I really need to work on. It's a serious issue, especially if you are a good friend of mine. 

I've been called "flakey" quite a bit. This is not the soft and buttery type of flakey. This is the "Oh I'd really love to attend that happy hour I just agreed to 2 hours ago....BUT I really can't" type of flakey.

At first, I shrugged it off really in the self righteous hope that I most definitely was not. But then the accusations started to trickle in...this time from different sources. These accusations once said jokingly now were tinged with exasperation. And to be honest, it stings. I'll examine any criticism or faults thrown at me with the biggest magnifying glass and my recursive memory starts to kick in, replying moments in my head on an infinite loop. 

But let me explain where I'm coming from here. I want to do everything. I want to hang out with as many people as possible and go to all of the social events and I get excited at the thought of even being invited! And then, the clock strikes closer and closer to the time of the event I had firmly and enthusiastically accepted....and anxiety kicks in with full force. My brain tells me that I need to be alone, and have quiet time with a book or my phone. My social senses tell me to back out of events with acquaintances in fear that I will say something terrifyingly offensive or stupid. And so...I listen to my brain that pries me from jumping into uncomfortable social situations and cancel. And retreat into the comfort of my introverted nature. And disappoint people I had promised I'd attend. 

The paragraph above may seem like an exaggerated joke, but this is as serious as it gets for an explanation. What is spurring me to write this post is the volume of comments I get regarding my lack of reliability. One recent one that was said in the very familiar joking manner felt like a small punch to the gut. I strive to be as non-judgmental, welcoming and drama-free as I can, and so this very apparent flaw feels like it is draining all of the positive characteristics about me.

So here marks a beacon of a personality overhaul--Mission: De-Flake. I say "yes" when I mean it and "no" when it feels really hard to. One month of staying true to my commitments. I'll check in with the results--here's hoping the only flakiness I encounter is in my pumpkin pie.